Apparently this is going to be what I do when I feel really REALLY crappy. Oh well... gotta vent it out somehow...
So. I think I may be depressed. I feel so... empty... lately. Sure I have moments when I'm happy, but overall, I just feel miserable. I'm seriously considering seeking counseling but when the eff would I have time for something like that? It just doesn't seem to matter where I am or what I'm doing, I always feel so alone. I know this sounds terrible but a lot of times when I'm by myself, I sit here and think of the best, easiest, and quickest way to just end it all. It's not that I don't think anyone cares about me... I know they do... it's just... I don't know how to say it.
When you're in a relationship, you just know that there's someone there that loves you. Only you. No matter what. They're crazy about you and you don't have to do anything except be you. I miss having my rock like that. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this funk by myself. I'm at a loss.
I just need my someone. Not just want. I literally need him. I need him to be my salvation. To save me from myself. To give me a reason to get up everyday and carry on living. Wherever he may be... I hope he finds me soon... I'm scared of it being too late. :-(
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Meh.
I know I haven't posted in forever. I've probably typed 20 blogs and then decided I didn't feel like everyone being able to read all that and never posted... but anyway... Hopefully nobody even notices this blog and I can just say what I have to say and get on with life.
I discovered tonight that I am completely miserable.
I feel like I've gotten so far away from being "myself" that I'm not even sure what "myself" is anymore. I used to be such a happy person. Sure I had my crap days just like everyone else, but in general I was a happy person that loved life. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. It seems that most things right now make me miserable and I can't even pinpoint exactly why or what's making me feel that way.
I know I don't devote nearly as much time to my friends anymore and that makes me really sad. I don't think it's that I'm not there for them (I hope they don't feel that way, anyway), I just feel like it's been harder to keep in touch, especially with going back to school. I miss them terribly, though, and I'm going to do my best to make a conscious effort to do better.
Going back to school is a lot harder than I expected. I'm not sure I made the right decision, and I HATE second guessing myself. I think in the long run it will be worth it and I'll look back and be proud that I did it and stuck with what I really think I should be doing. It's just tough right now. I REALLLLLY underestimated the amount of work it would involve, but hopefully I can stay on top of everything and do well.
My love life is a huge mess along with everything else. Big effing surprise. The guy I'm crazy about doesn't really want a relationship with me, yet the guy who is crazy about me I just can't seem to work things out with. It makes things so hard to know you're hurting someone and can't really do too much about it. We just can't seem to get our crap together and it's so frustrating. I feel like I lost one of my closest friends and one of the few people that I knew I could trust around here. I just can't deal with the unhappiness and fighting anymore at this point in time. Maybe in the future we'll be able to figure things out, but right now, I just can't deal with it. I feel like I need to work on me first and then see how things go.
I also wish I could take the time to get back in shape and lose a good 20-25 pounds. I know there aren't many people that would look at me and think I need to lose weight but I see it. I know how I used to look. I've never really been happy with my body, but lately it's gotten out of hand and a lot worse. I hate knowing how clothes used to fit and seeing them now not fitting like I'd like. I've been trying to concentrate on eating smaller portions and actually trying to get something small for breakfast each day (usually toast with peanut butter). I just don't seem to have the time or energy for running and/or working out to go along with it though. I keep thinking maybe I could wake up early and go for a walk, but I don't get enough sleep as it is, so I think that probably wouldn't be the best option. I guess I'll figure it out eventually. I just miss having *some* days when I look in the mirror and like what I see.
I freaking hate being alone lately. Every time I'm alone, all I can think about is how miserable I am, how much I REALLY don't feel like doing homework, how much I REALLY just want the rest of my life to start NOW, how much I wish Mr. Right would just show up on my doorstep, how far I've gotten away from how I used to be, how fat and undesirable I feel, blah blah blah.
I'm sure I'm just in one of those funks that happens every now and then, but it seems like I've been stuck here for a while. Hopefully I can drag myself outta bed tomorrow morning to go to church (alone) and something will inspire me to get back to being me.
Well. Enough depressingness. I'm outta here.
I discovered tonight that I am completely miserable.
I feel like I've gotten so far away from being "myself" that I'm not even sure what "myself" is anymore. I used to be such a happy person. Sure I had my crap days just like everyone else, but in general I was a happy person that loved life. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. It seems that most things right now make me miserable and I can't even pinpoint exactly why or what's making me feel that way.
I know I don't devote nearly as much time to my friends anymore and that makes me really sad. I don't think it's that I'm not there for them (I hope they don't feel that way, anyway), I just feel like it's been harder to keep in touch, especially with going back to school. I miss them terribly, though, and I'm going to do my best to make a conscious effort to do better.
Going back to school is a lot harder than I expected. I'm not sure I made the right decision, and I HATE second guessing myself. I think in the long run it will be worth it and I'll look back and be proud that I did it and stuck with what I really think I should be doing. It's just tough right now. I REALLLLLY underestimated the amount of work it would involve, but hopefully I can stay on top of everything and do well.
My love life is a huge mess along with everything else. Big effing surprise. The guy I'm crazy about doesn't really want a relationship with me, yet the guy who is crazy about me I just can't seem to work things out with. It makes things so hard to know you're hurting someone and can't really do too much about it. We just can't seem to get our crap together and it's so frustrating. I feel like I lost one of my closest friends and one of the few people that I knew I could trust around here. I just can't deal with the unhappiness and fighting anymore at this point in time. Maybe in the future we'll be able to figure things out, but right now, I just can't deal with it. I feel like I need to work on me first and then see how things go.
I also wish I could take the time to get back in shape and lose a good 20-25 pounds. I know there aren't many people that would look at me and think I need to lose weight but I see it. I know how I used to look. I've never really been happy with my body, but lately it's gotten out of hand and a lot worse. I hate knowing how clothes used to fit and seeing them now not fitting like I'd like. I've been trying to concentrate on eating smaller portions and actually trying to get something small for breakfast each day (usually toast with peanut butter). I just don't seem to have the time or energy for running and/or working out to go along with it though. I keep thinking maybe I could wake up early and go for a walk, but I don't get enough sleep as it is, so I think that probably wouldn't be the best option. I guess I'll figure it out eventually. I just miss having *some* days when I look in the mirror and like what I see.
I freaking hate being alone lately. Every time I'm alone, all I can think about is how miserable I am, how much I REALLY don't feel like doing homework, how much I REALLY just want the rest of my life to start NOW, how much I wish Mr. Right would just show up on my doorstep, how far I've gotten away from how I used to be, how fat and undesirable I feel, blah blah blah.
I'm sure I'm just in one of those funks that happens every now and then, but it seems like I've been stuck here for a while. Hopefully I can drag myself outta bed tomorrow morning to go to church (alone) and something will inspire me to get back to being me.
Well. Enough depressingness. I'm outta here.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Bandwagon-er
I hate when people jump on the bandwagon... yet here I find myself doing just that.
So welcome to my blog.
I'm really not sure how much I'll actually post, but I figured I should have one, just in case I ever have something important to say. Tonight I really don't think I have much of anything to post on... I'm really only typing this now so that I can see what the colors I chose look like. It's just one of those nights that my brain doesn't want to shut off, so I'm trying to occupy myself.
I suppose since I named this "Bandwagon-er" I'll just say a little something about that. As with most things in my life, this "hate of all things bangwagon-y" applies to sports more than anything else. Front-running can be included in this category as that drives me crazy as well.
With that said, don't think that just because I don't want you to jump on the bandwagon "because everyone else is", that I won't try my hardest to make you a Duke fan. Especially if you have no college basketball team you follow. Watch out, though. I AM contagious and I've converted many to my way of thinking. (On a side note: I don't care if they lost tonight. I still love my Duke boys more than most things in life. Some call it an unhealthy obsession. I call it dedication.)
As you may have noticed, I frequently make up words, and I'm pretty random, so try to keep up. And since I have nothing more of value to say, I will leave you tonight with some wisdom from Coach K:
"You have to work hard at staying in contact with your friends so that the relationships will continue and live on… Friendships, along with love, make life worth living."
So welcome to my blog.
I'm really not sure how much I'll actually post, but I figured I should have one, just in case I ever have something important to say. Tonight I really don't think I have much of anything to post on... I'm really only typing this now so that I can see what the colors I chose look like. It's just one of those nights that my brain doesn't want to shut off, so I'm trying to occupy myself.
I suppose since I named this "Bandwagon-er" I'll just say a little something about that. As with most things in my life, this "hate of all things bangwagon-y" applies to sports more than anything else. Front-running can be included in this category as that drives me crazy as well.
With that said, don't think that just because I don't want you to jump on the bandwagon "because everyone else is", that I won't try my hardest to make you a Duke fan. Especially if you have no college basketball team you follow. Watch out, though. I AM contagious and I've converted many to my way of thinking. (On a side note: I don't care if they lost tonight. I still love my Duke boys more than most things in life. Some call it an unhealthy obsession. I call it dedication.)
As you may have noticed, I frequently make up words, and I'm pretty random, so try to keep up. And since I have nothing more of value to say, I will leave you tonight with some wisdom from Coach K:
"You have to work hard at staying in contact with your friends so that the relationships will continue and live on… Friendships, along with love, make life worth living."
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